Sunday, August 5, 2012

Moments of weakness

I require a lot of time for mental and emotional recuperation. I'm the type of person that if I have to hang out with a large crowd or multiple people, it's great, yes, but afterwards, I need beaucoup amounts of time alone to normalize my brain again. And if I get pissed off or angry, I need even more time to myself.

This is one of the reasons that I question whether or not I can actually handle a DD relationship. I handle stress and anger very badly... I know this. I honestly don't know what "healthy" anger is. In stressful, trying times, or in moments of true rage or anger, I shut down completely, become glassy eyed, detached, and numb. Or, in spirit of my teenage habits, I will cuss a person out, throw and break things, and talk shit until I tire myself out. This happens rarely because I rarely have the time/space to do it. More often, I will contain it all until I can't handle it, and I will do something destructive against myself.

Anger, frustration, annoyance was never allowed in my household, at least not from me. If I ever got into an argument with my mom, it was never allowed to be an argument because anything I said would be considered "talking back" or being disrespectful. If I deigned to actually talk back, she would hit me. If I went to my room to throw something or scream into a pillow, she would come up the stairs and hit me again. As a preteen, I learned early on that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut and swallow my anger, rage, frustration whole and completely. Many times, starving myself, cutting, bruising, throwing up were ways to punish my mother without actually saying anything to her. I would think to myself, "you made me do this, this is your fault, you make me hurt myself, you're the one who did this."

I handle these negative emotions a lot better now obviously, but I still keep things bottled up. I never learned how to be angry in healthy ways. I get annoyed and hurt easily, and don't know how to express my feelings.

And now, as an adult living back at home, I not only feel suffocated by my family, but also immense resentment and guilt. I know I don't have a miserable life. I'm not abused. But I just can't breathe. I can tell they are getting tired of me, and I'm getting tired of them, and I don't want to be destructive towards myself again because of all this pent up anger. I need to go somewhere.

I can't be in a DD relationship because if my boyfriend or husband were to cut me off in a fight and tell me to bend over his lap, I wouldn't do it. It would absolutely enrage me. I would not do it. I know myself too well in the context of anger, and although I wish I wasn't the way I am, I can't unlearn this. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to have to answer to anyone, I don't want to do anything that anyone tells me to do.

If I sound spoiled, I probably am... but I don't care right now, I don't care.

Si j'habite dans cette maison pour un plus d'ans, je mourrai. 
Je suis gâtée? Le seule remède est arrêter et quitter. 

6 comments:

  1. I totally understand what you mean, sometimes it is good to leave everything behind and just leave to discover yourself. It might be fearful at first but you learn about yourself and that is all what life is about I think.. honestly expressing yourself and choosing your choices.

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    1. Thanks, A... I do need to get out soon. Maybe a new country? :p

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  2. Aw, S. This post makes me sad. I think you are awesome, btw, even though we've never actually met and all.
    It sounds to me like maybe you've had two extremes--like your mom didn't let you actually express your emotions but punished you for having them...and on the other hand, you expressed your emotion anyway and it became really intense and maybe sometimes out of control. Sorry if I'm psychoanalyzing, but anyway, I just think that just because you maybe could be in a dd relationship one day, that doesn't mean that your guy will be the kind of guy to cut you off and not let you express yourself and not listen to you and not let you be you. Someone who cuts you off and forces you to be punished is not the kind of top anyone should have. At least, not when you're honestly having a hard time with something.
    On the other hand, someone who does hold you accountable to things and helps you cope with your emotions through spanking or discipline, but in a way that he knows you can accept and handle and not hate him for, is probably the kind of guy you need.
    Hey, if I can dream him up for you, I'm sure he's out there, because my dreams have never been all that wonderful. :)

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    1. Wow, I don't know why I didn't see this comment until just now lol... thanks Bonnie-Jo, I do agree with you... it seems like I'm always working with 2 extremes, no matter what the issue is :/
      And I'm sure that guy is out there :p Seeing DD marriages work out on blogs always give me hope!

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  3. I'm so glad I found your blog :) It's so 'close to home'.
    I'm a pro violinist, to start with. One of my profound experiences in the past, was having a Korean violin student (college) in my home town - who was lazy, and always pushing my buttons towards doing discipline. Eventually, it happened one lesson, quite naturally - and she ended up across my knees for a good spanking. And it began - giving regular spankings to improve work habits. I crave that again, in such a big way. Somehow, so attracted to Koreans for it. You can email me at the "name" (small letters) I've used followed by : 'at'yahoo.com.sg if you like. Love to chat more.

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  4. Earthling...
    Find-out what RCIA means and join.

    Google+: kold_kadavr_ flatliner

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